Still?

In 17 days, it will have been exactly 3 months since D-Day. 3 whole months! Of singleness, of finding myself, of my path towards enlightenment and happiness. I am good, and I am happy. I am not sad, and I am especially not lonely, which still amazes me.

So, then why does The Douche appear in my dreams often? Like, really often. Last night I had one with him and it was… comfortable, in the dream. I think we were just hanging out or something, but there wasn’t any animosity. And his mom was there too, which happens a lot, hah. But I just don’t see why he is the star of my dreams when he is not the star of my waking hours.

Maybe it is because I haven’t really gotten rid of all the negativity in me. I don’t think I have really talked to anyone about it, because I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I’ve told my best friend basics, but I’d rather not go farther than that. That’s too deep inside me for someone to see. I could talk to a shrink, but I am not sure if I could/would open up to a shrink. And that sounds like a hassle, anyway. That’s partly why I started this blog, however I have not kept it up.

I need to get rid of the poison that still lives in me, I think. Yea, I am still rather remorseful about the whole thing. Ugh. I am thinking kickboxing.. That would be a great way to release aggressive energy. I draw, I am writing, I drive, I flirt, I network, I dance, I drink – those things are just not physical and aggressive enough. I need to be a bad ass kickin’ some ass. Hmmm sounds fun

 

Attraversiamo.

I have crossed over.

I have BEEN crossed over for a while now. I can say with confidence that I am fully and completely CONTENT with my life, my self, and my future.

I still have my downs, but they are always overshadowed by my ups. My downs don’t consist of loneliness, or depression – they are the normal unoriginal downs that anyone must deal with. Tired, stress from working 12 hours every day…

But I have LIFE. I have such a fire inside of me.. It’s sometimes hard to contain. I can’t wait to explore all the possibilities this huge world has to offer. I can’t wait to expand my mind beyond what I can even conceive. I already feel like my mind has grown, and mundane tasks such as work and homework seem so futile. But I know they must be done in order to advance to the next Level.

Oh, anyway, my point is:

When I was at my lowest point – broken hearted, sorrowful, clinically depressed, lonely as hell – all I wanted was to be distracted. I contacted some few “friends”, trying to rebuild a connection so that I could use them in a sense as a resource for going out, drinking, and having a good time. So I would be distracted from the pain I was feeling.

Well, that never really happened, because I am so damned busy and I have priorities. I knew I couldn’t let my work slip away or my schooling; I tried to “go out” around those times. Never happened. So, I was forced to deal. I was stuck with that asshole Misery, and we had long conversations and long fights. We cried together, we were angry together.

But we weren’t friends for long. I decided to ditch Misery, to kick him out of my room. He doesn’t come over anymore, and I hardly ever think about him. I think he’s intimidated by my fiery passion for life, which is the complete opposite of what Misery stands for.

I am free. I am me. I am HAPPY!

I am a soaring, free bird.

 

I don’t know what Day I’m on…

I know how bad he is. I know how terrible he was to me. I know he is scum beneath the center of the earth.

Yet, why do I yearn for him? Why, every time my phone vibrates, I hope it’s a text from him? Every red dot indicating a new email, I hope it’s him? Why do I want to hear from him?

I miss it. I miss him. I miss how he used to be, my idea of him. Not who he really is, not who he is now. I miss having somebody, that no matter what hell we went through together, no matter what shit we dealt with, we still HAD each other… we still had someone. Someone to call our own, someone to talk to. Someone to make this huge world not seem so lonely.

I’m pushing, I’m trying, I’m dealing. I will be ok. I’m crying, I’m dying, I’m frowning. Please let me be ok.

 

Day 10

Last night, I had another dream.

I’ve been having REMEMBERING dreams out the hoo-hah lately.

Well, it was me and Alex. And Alex was “good”. I was telling him how he used to be, how he used to be a bad terrible person. And I was telling him how happy I was that he was back. That my Alex was back. We were laying on the floor. I was in his arms, he was in mine. I was so at peace, so content. My life was complete at that moment.

Then I wake. I wake up to his rude assholish texts. If only life were a dream, and reality simply a nightmare to wake up from.

 

Day 8

It’s been one week and one day since I’ve moved out and left.

I still miss it very much… I drove by the complex today. Sigh, nostalgia. I don’t know why I am so sad about the decision I made. I don’t regret it.. moving out early. And leaving him. It NEEDED to be done. It was so awful.. I couldn’t get homework done. I couldn’t talk to him. I was scared of him. My life was affected greatly by being with him.

So, it’s a good thing he’s gone.

We still talk.. and it’s an awkward comfort. I miss him so much, but I think I miss the “idea” of him. The memory of him, how we used to be. The good times, having someone love me. But the past few months have been really bad. UGH.

Cheers to me, cheers to my future, and what I will become. I am a strong, independent, confident young woman. I will conquer the world. RAWR.

 

Day 5

No privacy.

Questions. People talking to me. ALl day every day.

I miss my solitude. I miss the dog. I miss my companion. Here’s to another night of tears.

 

Day 4

I’ve been talking to him. Through text. Ugh.

And I’ve been feeling better, I think because of that..

Which is. NOT. GOOD.

Really, it’s like I’m addicted to him. I know he’s bad for me, but I crave his attention and his words. And the withdrawals are killllling me slowly. This is terribly difficult.

@#$%^&*!!!!!

 

Day 3

Last night was terrible.

I couldn’t stop crying. I was balling so hard. But I had stay quiet as possible, because everyone can hear everything in this house. I was reading a news story about a poor unfortunate 19 year old who died from a shark attack off the coast of CA. I literally felt my heart literally plummeted into my stomach. Alex and I bonded through watching shark week, and learning about sharks together. It made me so, so sad. Is this really over?? My Alex is really gone from me??

This morning, I woke up feeling somewhat better. Then I had a nice day of going to the mall with my mom and sister, got new shoes YEY, grabbed Chipotle my fave, played Sims 3 my fave with the sis, and had a nice dinner… Now what do I do? Now I’m falling back into the void of… loneliness and silence.

My best peaceful time is during sleep. That way I don’t have to remember him, think about him, think about the past. I don’t have to hurt.

Melancholy Me

 

Day 2.5

My good friend Rhonda quoted Dr. Laura to me:
“If what you’re doing is hard, then it’s probably the right thing to do.”

Well, crap. This must be the right-est thing I’ve ever done.

I’ve gone to work.. I’ve gotten ready for the day.. I took a nap.. Had lunch.. I did all the normal routine things. Now what? This gloomy weather isn’t helping.

I cried for the first time since D-Day. Just a few tears, but I was in pain. I accidentally stumbled across his Facebook picture. It’s a picture I took of him on his new phone. Those weren’t happy times, but they weren’t the destructive times either, so I guess that makes them happier times than normal. I don’t long for those days… I don’t want to be in a relaysh like that… So why am I sad?

He was my home. My nest. We’ve moved around a lot in the past 4 years, but he was my constant home, and shelter. What was once a sturdy beautiful house turned into a creaking, broken down haunted shack. I had to get out of there. Now I have an empty space inside of me.

That is ok. I am ok. I am not ok, but I WILL be ok. Day by day, step by step. I’m still in the process of falling from the tree, from my nest. Falling, falling, down, down.

I am a sad bird today.

I need to get my bearings and spread my wings.

 

Day 2

I am as free as a bird...

There are many things I don’t like about my new living situation.

1.) it’s FREEZING. The house is always always soooo ice cold. I miss my apartment’s compactness, and being able to turn the heater/air on whenever I so choose.
2.) Shower. It takes a long time to get warm, and I have to take turns with everyone else. In my apt I could shower whenever and for however long I wanted. Also it was instant hot water it was amazing.
3.) Barely any privacy. If I want to talk on the phone, everyone can hear me. Everyone knows what I’m doing. It makes me uncomfortable. I can’t walk around naked, I can’t wear my see through shirts, I can’t be totally open and relaxed, cause I have to mind the others.

The price I pay is a small one compared to what I get back. A family that truly loves me and wants the best for me is enough to “suffer” through any materialistic things. I get wonderful filling homemade food instead of getting sick and fat off of microwave dinners all day every day. The house is so clean which is so great, cause my apt to tell you the truth was rather disgusting.

I also get to live in a stress-free environment, which makes all the difference. The only bruises I will get will be from hitting my knee with immense force into my desk (which happened last night, that hurt like a @#$%!); the only time I will be late to work will be because of me, not from someone else forcing me to not move; the only reason I will not have homework finished will be because I’m a procrastinator and not because someone else was preventing me from doing it; and the only time I will not have my phone or keys is because of my own clumsy forgetfulness, not because someone is trying to torture me in anyway possible.

I’d say this is the smartest decision I’ve ever made.